Dear people who stole my wallet Saturday,

Just FYI, you kinda suck. I mean, I was sitting there in that cafe, not bothering anybody, just enjoying the free wifi and catching up on some Facebooking, and then bam! No wallet. And all because I tried to help some poor woman with her wireless. ("Oh, that's how you do it!"—right. Nobody's that stupid.) I had to call Fernando and interrupt whatever he was doing so he could get a taxi and take me home, because you left me with neither money nor metro card. I felt really dumb.

Now, I don't know you. I didn't see you do it, and I couldn't identify you if I had the opportunity. But I do know what you got, and y'know what? I think I got the better end of the deal, honestly. I mean you, what did you get? A credit card and a debit card that I cancelled before you could use (yeah, that cash advance? Nice try. Wells Fargo was too smart for you.), a couple weeks' free rides on the metro, maybe fifteen euro in cash, and a bunch of discounts and club cards for places you've probably never heard of. Smooth.

But what did I get? Well, first off, I got an excuse to buy a new wallet, which I've been looking for for ages. I got a chance to retake all my ID photos—four-eyed, high-looking driver's license photo? Gone. Excellent. I got a reason to call my mom. That was nice. And of course, I got a quick lesson in watching my stuff. That's one I'll remember. And all that for a mere fifteen euro and a metro card? Sounds like a deal to me.

So I won't say thank you, because really, you stole my frickin' wallet. You're a couple of jerks. But I'm lucky; I'm a student at a nice college with the opportunity to study abroad, while you are a couple of people who hang around cafes trying to scam tourists for their wallets. And you didn't get much out of mine. So, sucks to be you. Perhaps you should consider another line of work.

Love,

Andrea