parents

So, yeah, I'm feeling rather like a failure at life just now.

I don't understand some things like I used to. Or maybe I understand them better, and that's the problem.

My parents....well, they're my parents. They haven't changed. I know how to handle them. I've known that for awhile. But I think I've just now figured out that I know it. Or maybe I've just figured out the implications of having that ability.

I've been able to see their flaws for awhile now. I thought that was what happened when you stopped being a kid; you understand that your parents aren't perfect. I understood that and accepted it. But lately, I've realized there's more to it: now I not only see their flaws, but I'm bothered by them. Sometimes greatly.

Like, my dad. He doesn't go to church regularly, but he borders on fundamentalism in some of his beliefs (almost scarily creationist and anti-gay), he's an alcoholic (not violent or anything, but pretty heavily dependent on the Bud), not very educated, kinda racist, rather lazy and shortsighted, and he doesn't take very good care of himself.

I still love him. I like spending time with him. But it's so hard sometimes. He says some stuff that I would seriously injure other people for saying, but I can't say anything to him. There's a laundry list of topics I can't bring up with him anymore. More and more lately, I feel like I'm playing a role, acting the part of Daddy's little girl who I used to be. He did take the whole vegetarian thing rather better than I'd expected, but then again, it hasn't been much of an issue yet. And I'm sure part of him still thinks it's another "phase."

And then there's my mom. She's always got a to-do list for herself and everybody else within a five-mile radius, and dear god, she's wound up tighter than an emo kid's girl jeans! When I'm away at school, we can talk on the phone for an hour, no problem, and it's fine. But when I'm home, at her house, I avoid her at all costs, and when I'm at Dad's, five minutes on the phone with her is torture. idk. I think it's a relationship best had from a distance, if such a thing is possible.

To some extent there's even the taboo subjects thing with her too, and it's awful, because I used to talk to her about everything. Yeah, I guess it's been awhile since that was the case (coming up on what, four years now?), but still, I really miss it.

And I Still. Can't. Fucking. Sleep.

Seriously folks, this is not cool. I thought, being home and all, things might get a little better in that department. Well, judging by the timestamp here, you'll see I'm having no such luck. I'm supposed to be up at 7:30 to take my brother to the bus stop. I think I'll just stay up.

*grumbles*

I'm sorry, I'm waxing emo here; please forgive me. I guess even the great and powerful Andrea must capitulate to the throes of teenage angst sometimes. Two cookies and my deepest sympathies for anybody who actually reads this steaming pile of shit.